I have been planning to start studying for more than 2 hours now. But there is something wrong. I am not feeling alright.
I have no motivation to do anything.
I have been scribbling, drawing for two hours now. Just thinking. Making myself more and more unhappy. Thinking about the things that make me unhappy, confused, preoccupied....
I am thinking maybe as much as you do not like telling about negative things, negative feelings you have... maybe, you also do not like hearing these kind of things. or maybe you wouldnt know what to say. Maybe you would think it is not necessary, not appropriate, not mature enough, not ... Again, these are what I hypotize that you would be reacting. These are my thoughts that keep me away from sharing everything with you. These are when I start to calculate, whether I should talk to you about that "nothing" in my mind. That nothing, would you listen even if it doesn't mean anything. It doesnt have any departure point, any result... It is just blocking my days and hours. Doing nothing.
I do not know if you would like hearing these. However. I am telling. I am not feeling alright today. Like some other days.
I have so black moments that I do not share. They are nearly part of my personality. One black moment and very soon after, a good feeling. depends whether I am inspired to feel good that day or not.
Today, I was not inspired. No sunset, no images, no feelings. you know it is just a day. That passes.
Then there are days. You actually realize that you are alive and your life is worth something. The consciousness of existence.
I am on the black side of the conscience now.
Than the thought comes back to me again. I never talk to you like this. Our communication is different. And this kind of a sharing was something i tried not to do. Because, it is not how we talk or what we talk about in general.
I hope you will understand, that I wanted to share with you something maybe you have never seen in me before.
This is a moment, I wish you were closer.
