dark side of my existence

I have been planning to start studying for more than 2 hours now. But there is something wrong. I am not feeling alright.

I have no motivation to do anything.

I have been scribbling, drawing for two hours now. Just thinking. Making myself more and more unhappy. Thinking about the things that make me unhappy, confused, preoccupied....

I am thinking maybe as much as you do not like telling about negative things, negative feelings you have... maybe, you also do not like hearing these kind of things. or maybe you wouldnt know what to say. Maybe you would think it is not necessary, not appropriate, not mature enough, not ... Again, these are what I hypotize that you would be reacting. These are my thoughts that keep me away from sharing everything with you. These are when I start to calculate, whether I should talk to you about that "nothing" in my mind. That nothing, would you listen even if it doesn't mean anything. It doesnt have any departure point, any result... It is just blocking my days and hours. Doing nothing.

I do not know if you would like hearing these. However. I am telling. I am not feeling alright today. Like some other days.

I have so black moments that I do not share. They are nearly part of my personality. One black moment and very soon after, a good feeling. depends whether I am inspired to feel good that day or not.

Today, I was not inspired. No sunset, no images, no feelings. you know it is just a day. That passes.

Then there are days. You actually realize that you are alive and your life is worth something. The consciousness of existence.

I am on the black side of the conscience now.

Than the thought comes back to me again. I never talk to you like this. Our communication is different. And this kind of a sharing was something i tried not to do. Because, it is not how we talk or what we talk about in general.

I hope you will understand, that I wanted to share with you something maybe you have never seen in me before.

This is a moment, I wish you were closer.

Living in a Metropol

Every morning around 8:15, walking down the Via Statilia, there is an image i expect to see.
Someone is sleeping under the porches of a business building.
His had is inside a big kargo box, box half closed to stop air from going in.
Other unfolded cargo boxes under him and some layers of blanket under and on.

One of those days, I thought about leaving him a cup of coffee. What occured to me next was the question whether I would be making a favor or a harm. He might have appreciated receiving a coffee one day or several days a week. But also, this might have created an expectation on his side and with the expectation, there would be more likelihood of unhappiness once the delivery was not there one day.
I decided not deliver a coffee.
Maybe better, i deliver him information on how to make his conditions better.
Then maybe I would be able to create a permanant change.

But what is the information he would be able to make use of?



image from:http://www.recycling-guide.org.uk/products.html

Why Lobo wants to Wake up at 6am

because I dont want you killing yourself from too much study, I dont like to see you sufering so late working, I want you to get some rest as I belive you've been working a lot today... because I enjoy taking breakfast with you, even if that means I have to wake up 6 in the morning on the only day I can sleep till late and if getting up 6 in the morning might help you (even if just a little) to get your work done and get some rest.. then Im happy with it

Eksiklik...

Tam da bu anda içimdeki eksiklik hissi büyüyor. Sanıyorum ki özgürlüğümü kaybediyorum, yanlızlaşıyorum ve sessizleşiyorum. İçim öyle bir sıkılıyor ki, tuşlara basışım boş, düşünüşüm boş... Sadece birinin yanında olmak istiyorum, öylece uzanmak ve varlığımın tadını çıkarmak. Bir şeyler yapmak istiyorum, orada dışarıda olmak! İçimde kalakaldım odamın ortasında.

Social Upgrading

Some people can grow their hooks to hold on to the system and have an appropriate existance in it. The others... We have to "build their capacity" to exist in the system...
Do the former has better skills than the latter? Or do the latter just prefered to have its own rules until then...

My people...

I like my people.
I hope they have me for a long time.

Kimsenin Kendisinden Başkası Hayatının Teorisyeni ve Tasarımcısı Olamaz

Neyi yapmamalısın?

Böyle bir limit var mı?
Neydi o? Güçsüzlükler yapılmaması gerekenleri, etikleri yataranlar mıydı? Gerçek hayatta ortak etikler var mı? Kime göre ben bir hatadayım? Doğru olan kimin tanımladığı? Kendi çıkarıma uyan şekilde mi davranmalıyım? Genel geçer kurallar çıkarlarına uymasa, etiklerden ve ahlaktan bahseden bu kişiler onlara sahip çıkmaya devam ederler miydi? Asıl problem sahip olunan değerlerin genel geçer olanlarla uyuşmayıp, başkalarına açıklanamamasından kaynaklanıyor. Açığa vurulamayan değerler, gizlice yaşanmak zorunda... Gizli olan şeylerin de gerçeklikle, üstü-açık olanla koordine edilmesi lazım - ki bu koordine kimsenin ruhuna hissettirmeden olmalı-. Her şeyi zorlaştıran da bu. Bazı şeykerin kapalı kapılar ardında kalması. İfade hakkı, istediğini söyleme hakkı insanların elinden böyle alınıyor olmalı.

Yargılarla... "Böyle olmamalı..." ile başlayan düşünceler ve yorumlar.

"Bu normal değil...", "Bu kabullenilemez!..." ile sonuçlanır.

Limitlerin ve tutsaklıkların başladığı nokta da bu olmalı. Toplum hayatında özgürlükten söz edilemez. Her farklı özgür - AYKIRI- bizi o toplumdan bir adım daha uzaklaştırır.

Parasız pulsuz, evsiz, yersiz, kimsesiz kişi, en özgür olandır. Ama aynı zamanda da hiçbir şeyi...

"KİMSENİN KENDİSİNDEN BAŞKASI, HAYATININ TEORİSYENİ VE TASARIMCISI OLAMAZ"